It was one of those casual messages in the family whatsapp group - I saw my uncle in critical stage admitted in a hospital. A few calls to my parents later, I figured out that he will make it. He always has. But it was sometime since I had spoken to him. I decided that, no matter what, I will atleast peep into the ICU ward on Wednesday and come. Yes - that should be fine. He will come through this. I then went and prepared dinner, picked up the phone to speak my friend, which went on to become a bitching marathon about her workplace.
It was 11:00 pm and we decided to call it a night when my dad called me. He doesn't call me at that hour and when I picked up, the news came in a steady voice - that my uncle is no more. The family whatsapp group was filled with condolences.
My immediate thought was to bring my parents from Coimbatore to Chennai for the funeral. With Corona intensifying in Chennai, the odds of getting an e-pass, for a couple in the late 60's & early 70's were almost zero. A few phone calls later, I figured out that even if I manage to communicate to the Collector and Commissioner, it would take a minimum of 24 hours to get the pass or to fly them down here.
Dad was stable - he said it is unavoidable and the funeral has to go on without him or anybody who was not in Chennai for that matter. The next morning, my aunt, my cousins and myself - we did the last rites and bid him goodbye.
I did not tell my mentor a word of this - I wanted to handle the webinar. Or maybe, under the pretext of handling the webinar, I wasn't handling my grief. I finished the webinar mechanically and called the day off. Ok - now what?
A million questions popped on my head. I wanted to scream, run, cry and hide. I longed to have one last conversation with him. Uncle was single at the time of his death. He was easily everyone's favourite and only a handful of people could manage to be there for the funeral. I kept saying that the way he died was more hurtful. He need not have died without anyone, like this.
But as I mulled over, it came crashing to me that he's no more. And I kept questioning as why I did not make an effort to communicate to him in the last four years. And that killed me, it still does and I think it will forever be.
Uncle was my favourite of relatives. He was dad's last brother and the youngest in the dad's lineage. When dad says, Chitapa is coming home - it meant joy to me. I can play, eat, roam, travel whenever Chitapa was there.
These travel and food influencers - Chitapa can give a run for them. He knew the map of the cities that he had visited like the back of hand. He knew what to eat from where. He knew where the Summer, Winter and Autumn were best enjoyed. He knew how to strike a conversation and how to make people smile.
I have never felt him like a relative. To me he was more like a friend, with whom I could walk hand in hand, speak about science, life, movies, food and my feelings with ease. Chitapa doesn't judge people. He does not mind if I eat with my right hand or left. He doesn't mind if I drink coffee with my left hand. He had never questioned my life choices nor despised me when I failed miserably.
Instead, he had always shown interests of my likes and dislikes, posed questions that only deepened my understanding, and made me realize that there's always a lot to learn and seek. He showed me how to read between the lines and understand my own self worth. Chitapa was a great listener. What others comment as trivial and dispose off, he would listen. He would assess - he knew when to listen and when to advise - if that's not a life skill, I don't know what else is.
His intellectual prowess knew no limits - he was referred to as 'Encyclopedia uncle' by my yesteryear soulmate. But he never brags about it - he could talk about anything for ages, yet be calm and composed. Of course, he doesn't take it easy when you win him over in a debate. He would do his research and get back to you the next day. And there have been instances, where we have had mutual disagreements, from his point of sense and security.
You don't always lookout for your backyard tree - isn't it? You read in it's shade, play with it's branches, pick up it's leaves and somedays just stare at it while you are lost in your thoughts. But you don't expect it to be uprooted. And when it does get uprooted, you feel a sense of stab in your heart. That's how it feels to me right now.
It is been four days since he had passed - and all I could do was recount the countless memories and conversations that we have shared. I could hear the way, he calls my mother 'manni'. I could see his peering vision gazing darkly into me with vivid interest when am arguing about his standpoint. I could recollect him arguing about the political power of the state with my dad, mocking about my dad's points.
As much as I know I was busy fighting my battles over the past few years, somehow it is not convincing to me. I cant accept the fact that I did not reach out to him. Maybe, this will be my life's greatest regret.
Does this change anything - yes and no. I am not going to patch up with the worn out relationships for fear of death - it doesn't work that way, isn't it? All that I know is I cant undo what has been done. The Universe works in strange ways and every time I feel I have deciphered a part of it, it throws me another ball to deconstruct.
I cant view the world, people, relationships with the same rose tinted glasses again. But am not sure as what the change is too. Probably it is too early. But I am glad that I have only fond memories of him - people who know me up and close, know that I don't think twice to sever relationships and I am glad ours never took that turn.
Am grateful for being able to see him, before he was reduced to a pile of ashes. I find a warm sense of comfort in thinking that I could see him one last time.
He played a major role in shaping me to whatever I am today and that can't be singled out to mere words. Am grateful to have had him in my life.
Death is harsh but I am glad that he did not suffer. And as long as the memories hold him, he will be remembered and if that is not legacy, I don't know what else is.
